Workman Chronicles
By Morris Workman
"Introduction"
Published in the Desert Valley Times
March 1, 2005
Welcome to “The Workman Chronicles,” a new weekly column in the Desert Valley Times editorial section.
I’m sure some of you are saying “Oh no, not another annoying column by that Workman yutz!”
Yep. Like an editorial cancer, my rants have grown from the competitive confines of the SportScene section to the DVT Opinions pages.
For those of you fearing sports overdose, you can rest easy with the knowledge that “Chronicles” won’t even mention sports, unless you count city council meetings and lawyer bashing as Olympic-worthy events.
This Tuesday-edition column
will include observations about life in
When it comes to my literary
idols and influences, I’ve only recently been turned on to
However, I quickly point to such luminaries as the Miami Herald’s Dave Barry, and the late Lewis Grizzard from the Atlanta Constitution as being my columnar heroes.
I’m also enamored with Argus Hamilton, who publishes daily in newspapers around the country, but I don’t want to work that hard.
(Every day? Write a new column every day? Nuh-uh!)
I’m not sophisticated enough to appreciate George Will, and too New York Times-illiterate to know the names of any other humor columnists.
You can call me a Barry Grizzard Hamilton wannabe. I’m okay with that.
Like the Surgeon General’s warning on a pack of cigarettes, I want to offer my disclaimer early.
I never set out to hurt anybody’s feelings, or insult any entities, but in this thin-skinned society where everyone wants to claim pain and suffering at the most innocuous slight, I want to offer my blanket apology to anyone I may offend at any future date for any statement about any topic.
This includes any lawyers who may have been offended by my remark in paragraph four above.
Hopefully this will smooth any ill-feelings from the legal community, as I have promised my editor I will do everything I can to keep from getting him/us sued.
Unfortunately, the only way to ensure such a thing is to never write, print, or publish anything even marginally controversial, meaning the whole paper would be filled with press releases about dog-grooming seminars and pictures of somebody giving somebody a check.
(Sometimes I think we should change the name of our paper to the Desert Valley Financial Journal, because more money changes hands in our photos than anywhere short of Wall Street.)
So in the name of good karma, please don’t be offended by the things you read here.
If you still end up offended, please keep my mother out of it when you write to my editor requesting that I be fired/muzzled/castrated/horse-whipped.
Keep in mind that, even when
poking fun, I absolutely love
I’m not perfect, I don’t know everything (like I thought I did when I was a teenager), and I don’t wear women’s underwear.
Not that there’s anything wrong with a guy wearing women’s underwear.
(See, I’m already sucking up in case I’ve offended members of the “Guys Who Wear Women’s Underwear” federation.)
I hope you enjoy this weekly column.
If you do, please send an e-mail to my boss explaining at least three reasons why I deserve a raise and a company car.
If you hate what I write, please e-mail your complaints to ihatemorris@dvtnv.com.
Don’t worry if you get a message back saying that no such address exists.
My karma will know.