Workman Chronicles 

By Morris Workman

"Scientology"

Published in Mesquedia

June 15, 2005

I try to keep an open mind about religion, although I am wary of nearly every organized religious body.

The recent stir about Tom Cruise and his belief in Scientology made me curious.

So I went online to try and research the core tenets of this burgeoning new belief system.

Here is what I learned:

First, L. Ron Hubbard is their Buddha.

Hubbard, the best-selling author of “Dianetics,” seems to be the lynchpin of the movement.

I’m always fascinated by obscenely wealthy men espousing their religious beliefs. 

It actually makes more sense than our current system of worship, which is often led by guys who can’t even afford a decent haircut or a leisure suit that doesn’t make that “whick whick” noise when they walk.

I’m not saying that following rich guys on their lunatic crusades is a good idea either, as evidenced by those who really believed that six million dollars was going to buy Oral Roberts a “get out of heaven free” card, that Jimmy Swaggert didn’t have sexual relations with that woman, and that Jim Bakker could offer them a comfy place in the hereafter if they would just fund an adequate air-conditioning system for his pet’s dog house.

But maybe ol’ L-Ron is onto something, so I kept reading.

I now know that “the aims of Scientology are a world without insanity, without criminals, without war, where the able can prosper and where Man is free to rise to greater heights.”

I know this because they have it posted on nearly every page of their website.

Of course, nowhere on that website does it explain exactly how that’s to be done.

The answer is in one of the dozens of L. Ron Hubbard books that are offered for sale on the site.

Which is a hint that Scientology is a real profit-based religion.

Unlike the Mormons who will gladly have a pair of persuasive, clean-cut missionaries hand-deliver a free copy of the Bible and the Book of Mormon, or the Gideons who save souls every day with their free bedside Bibles in nearly every hotel in the country, it takes a major credit card to find salvation at the church of Scientology .

After an hour on the site, I still don’t know whether Scientologists believe in God, because they play their principles pretty close to the vest.

In fact, I haven’t seen this much institutional secrecy since the last three or four times people have tried to suck me into becoming an Amway distributor.

But I suspect the answer would be a big “no” on the Creator, since it appears ol’ L-Ron hasn’t figured a way to copyright his image or trademark.

It also appears that the church is just jammed full of former political speech writers and Madison Avenue execs whose previous God, swathed in green, let them down.

I say this because I haven’t seen so much intellectual misdirection, obfuscation, side-stepping, and double-speak since the Republican National Convention.

(Or maybe it was the Democratic National Convention.  All those guys look alike to me.)

The Scientology website never does explain what they believe in, why they believe in it, or why we should believe, too.

Except of course for the fact that Tom Cruise believes in it.

Which, when you think about it, is really reason enough to sign up.

After all, can your prayers, rituals, or flagellations at whatever religious franchise you currently call home, help you land a date with Katie Holmes?

I rest my case.

Published online at the Workman Chronicles WebLog June 15, 2005.

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