Workman Chronicles 

By Morris Workman

"Disaster Primer"

Published in the Desert Valley Times

September 13, 2005

In light of the recent catastrophe in New Orleans , I felt it my civic duty to provide a list of pointers to those suffering from Katrina’s wrath, as well as a helpful guide in the event other communities should befall one of nature’s equalizers.

First, when the boat arrives to rescue you from the roof of your house, the appropriate response is “Thank you,” not “What took you so long?”

If you should find yourself in front of a TV camera, with your statements going out to millions of potential donors, I would recommend that you include the word “Please” somewhere in your diatribe.

Even if you’re hungry, thirsty, dirty, frustrated, and frightened, this isn’t the time to start demanding things.

Contrary to popular opinion, the U.S. Constitution does not include a single line that says you’re entitled to anything, not even from the Federal government, in times of calamity.

During the obligatory telethons and other fund raisers that follow every disaster like morning follows night, it’s probably not helpful for performers to lash out at the government and people at home with their checkbooks open.

Charity is not a constitutional right.

As my dad used to say, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.”

Here’s another tip:

It’s tough to expect many people to flock to your area with boats, helicopters, food, and medicine when you start shooting at the first bunch that shows up.

There is extreme irony in the fact that people went on television to complain about the lack of order and governmental guidance during the same telecast that mentioned the New Orleans police officer who was shot in the head trying to keep order.

Speaking of order, maybe setting buildings on fire isn’t the best way to summon a helicopter.

And when the helicopter arrives, simply wave your arms.

Shooting at it with an automatic weapon is only a proper greeting in Afghanistan .

Also, you need to understand that any buses sent for evacuations are going to have limited space.

They aren’t going to have enough room to accommodate both you and the 20 pairs of shoes you stole out of the K-Mart, so don’t bother cleaning out your neighborhood department stores just because the cashiers couldn’t make it to work that day.

As an absolute last resort, removing food that is destined to spoil from a grocery store shelf is almost understandable.

But let’s be honest, you’re not going to eat that diamond bracelet or a 25-inch color TV.

And whether you’re single, married, or divorced, an emergency shelter is not a place to pick up chicks.

I can’t even begin to fathom how raping other victims is a part of the survival process.

Finally, before you open your mouth to scream about racism, bear in mind that Mother Nature doesn’t care what color your skin is.

She’s an equal-opportunity devastator, and I’m certain she didn’t check the demographics of your area before unleashing a category three hurricane on you.

Regardless of your color or condition, you are an American.

For centuries, Americans have been known for pulling themselves up by their own bootstraps, overcoming the catastrophes and hardships thrown at them by nature and other people.

Standing knee-deep in water and wailing about how help isn’t coming fast enough to suit you is not the American way.

To the tens of thousands of children, the elderly, and other legitimate victims of this tragedy, my heart goes out to you.

Unfortunately, it’s hard to see you through the curtain of looters, shooters, rapists, and con artists from your community insisting that they are entitled to assistance.

Published online at the Workman Chronicles WebLog September 13, 2005.

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