Workman Chronicles 

By Morris Workman

"Singing Mice"

November 10, 2005

I recently read an article where researchers claim certain breeds of male mice can sing.

This immediately led my fractured brain to two questions.

First, which government agency paid for such a study?

And second, what kind of music do they sing?

I suspect it will take more of the first to answer the second.

If I had to lay five dollars at the parlay window, I’d bet they sing heavy metal.

Initially, I considered the idea that rap music would be their favored genre, but equating rap with vermin is just musical prejudice on my part.

Besides, the researchers actually used the word “sing,” which means it couldn’t have been rap.

Country music would be appropriate, but then I realized that the researchers indicated it was the male mouse that did the singing, and everyone knows that country music has become the province of female singers like Shania and Faith and that little girl who plays Dorothy in her Wizard of Oz video.

The idea that the little cheese-snatchers were into show tunes crossed my mind, but researchers put the kibosh on that notion.

The guys in the white coats claim the mice sing to woo female mice.

If testing showed that the male mice were singing to woo other male mice, it would be show tunes.

(To my gay friends, take your politically-correct outrage bonnet off your head and sit back down.  This topic was addressed on “Will and Grace,” which is my arbiter of all things that are permissible to be stereotyped as gay.  After all, “Just Jack!” wasn’t a blues review.)

An argument could be made that they sing pop music, but researchers didn’t mention anything about the mice lip-syncing, and not one of them danced a jig off the stage after being caught with “backing tracks.”

Some of the darker, more alienated mice might turn to singing alternative and grunge music, a fact which will be confirmed as soon as tests come back indicating the presence of heroin, or when one of the mice manages to shoot itself in the head with a shotgun.

My apologies to any of you Kurt Cobain fans who take exception to this image.

I guess a case could be made for opera, but none of the mice they studied wore tuxedos or Viking armor.

No, I suspect the little varmints sing heavy metal.

The scientists mentioned that the sounds are rhythmic and vary in pitch, but aren’t intelligible.

That kind of defines heavy metal music.

(Ever listen to old Ozzy Osbourne records?  I enjoy the Prince of Darkness’s music, but after 30 years, I still don’t have a clue what he’s saying.  Of course, I’ve watched nearly two dozen episodes of the TV show “The Osbournes,” and I still have the same problem.)

And for all their noisy bluster, heavy metal artists always manage to land the gorgeous babes.

I mean, Tommy Lee is one ugly head banger, and he took Pamela Anderson on a honeymoon boat ride. 

It has to be the music.

My theory will be confirmed once the scientists discover tiny little mouse tattoos on their subjects that say things like “Born to tease cats” and “Mouse Traps Suck!”  

Published online at the Workman Chronicles WebLog November 11, 2005.

For more articles or comments, visit the blog at workmanchronicles.blogspot.com.  

To e-mail the author regarding this article, send your e-mail to column@morrisworkman.com.