Workman Chronicles 

By Morris Workman

"Pregnant Men"

November 15, 2005

Scientists in California have discovered some fish off the coast of SoCal .

Not a big deal unless you’re a fisherman with a seaworthy boat.

But these fish are unique.

They are male fish that can produce eggs.

They have labeled the creatures as “intersex” fish.

Of course, like most eco-whackos, they couldn’t resist blaming it on pollution or treated sewage water.

I’m certain that, before the week is out, they’ll find a way to blame it on global warming.

But the guys in white coats are missing the point.

Males that can produce eggs.

If Darwin was right, and you extrapolate the theory that all life began in the sea, that means we will eventually have land mammals capable of carrying a fetus.

That’s right, pregnant men.

(Okay, we’ll wait while you women finish applauding, whooping, and cheering.)

This has been a dream of women for years who have tired of hearing husbands invoke the politically correct and mentally deficient remark “we’re pregnant!” at parties when telling friends of an impending birth of a future middle linebacker.

While “we’re” pregnant, only the woman is saddled with an extra 40 pounds, daily nausea, cravings for food groups that were never meant to be combined, and of course the “joy” of childbirth that basically involves passing a watermelon through a garden hose.

Don’t get me wrong, men go through three out of four of those things, but it’s usually referred to as “being single.”

Pregnant men would be Mother Nature’s little payback for centuries of female suffering.

Imagine bloated and lactating CEOs in maternity business suits trying to conduct a board meeting.

Or the guy in the hardhat pouring cement and trying to hold down this morning’s oatmeal.

Then there are the social considerations.

If men were able to conceive, which is a feminine trait, would they face discrimination?

Would a whole new line of bigotry arise, with derisive slurs like “Look at that preg over there!”?

Would pregnant men get paid less than non-pregnant men?

And of course the most important question, would football uniforms have to be redesigned?

Obviously, it will take a few eons for these questions to become valid.

But just the notion of millions of men insisting on “safe sex” to avoid a pregnancy that would interfere with his bowling commitments is worth a few laughs.

Like a female comedian once said, if men got pregnant, not only would the “morning after” pill be legal, it would be free!

Published online at the Workman Chronicles WebLog November 15, 2005.

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